Fear

It's been so long since I last posted. I could say life has gotten in the way of my writing but mostly its my thoughts and worries that have gotten in the way of my writing. Fears of putting down on paper or in this case out in cyberspace all the things that run through my mind.

Verb:be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

Fears seems to be a common factor in my life right now.

• Fear of not passing the Cal Bar. 
• Fear of spending another year doing what I need to survive but not really what I want. 
• Fear of wasting my remaining "young years" unsure of my next move.

In an attempt to take control over my fears I have decided to start writing again. Start documenting all my raw emotions as as way to let them out and not have them consume me.

To Date or Not to Date?

It takes a lot for a person to ask another person out. I haven’t asked anyone out in the last 11 years. Seriously after asking someone out in high school and having that person tell me he was not interested, I decided to leave the asking to the guy. Sure I flirt and think I do a good job at sending signals that I am interested. Lately I have been thinking that the universe has a sense of humor, why else would it be constantly creating instances where person 1 likes person 2 but person 2 likes person 3 who is not available. Reminds me a Portuguese poem I once read about someone loving someone who loved someone else and that person was oblivious and held out hope for someone else who wasn’t even part of this story.

Where am I going with this? Not quite sure except that someone asked me out, and I agreed to go on a date when I am not completely over someone else. And even though the person I am not over, has moved on I am still stuck unable to move forward.

Passive Aggressive

Just like passive voice has not room in a scholarly paper, passive aggressiveness has no room in my life.  I really dislike passive aggressiveness. I think the best way to address a problem or situation is the direct approach. When direct approach is not possible because emotions may be running high, then you either cool down or use an intermediate. For the past two weeks my landlady has been moving all my books from the dining room table onto a corner of the piano next to the door that leads to my bedroom. I do not leave my books spread out on the table, they actually were left on the corner of the table when I was switching out books for the day.

She does the same with my clean dishes. She has moved all my things in the kitchen to one area of the kitchen. If it bothers her that my things are there, why can't she just say so? The room I live in, its too small for me. Really, I knew it the moment I moved in. It was then when we agreed I could have more room in the kitchen and the hallway to store my belongings. I am not a disorganized person, I actually make an effort to keep my things in order to not be in anyone's way. But right now I am feeling tired of the subtle hints. Really if its not because I plan to head to California for the summer, I would likely move out right now.

Of course this makes me wonder whether the problem is really me. I don't really enjoy living with others. But my situation right now doesn't quite allow me to spend more on rent, with an expensive car payment and all.

Time Out Chair

One thing I dislike more than having a time out chair, is having to use it. I am team teaching Sunday school this year to 6 year olds and the other teacher created some "ground rules" including this time out chair. I personally have never believed that Sunday school should be taught the same way as regular school. Primarily because I believe discipline should be taught at home. We only teach for one hour a week, and learning about Jesus should be enjoyable not associated with punishment. This week I had to use the time out chair for a child, mostly at the insistence of my other 6 year olds, can you believe it? I felt horrible asking this boy to sit in the time out chair. I think it hurt me more than it hurt him. I didn't even know how long he should sit there for, so I said we would do it for two minutes and I set a timer.
I later found out that my co-teacher had sat two children in the time out chair the week before.

I think I am going to do things differently next time I teach. I really dislike the idea of the time out chair. I think that if a child is being disruptive its because they are not engaged and something in the lesson needs to be changed to have them get involved and enjoy it. For example, I noticed my kids like to sing, so every Sunday I teach, we start with a song. It helps calm them down. I also notice they enjoy sitting around my table, so we sit in a semi circle around the table or on the floor. Helps me be closer and more reachable I assume.

2L Year

When I started law school I was told the first year they scare you to death, the second year they work you to death and the third year they bore you to death. Well the first year you are running around like a headless chicken unsure of what you are doing and whether you are doing it right or not. Everything is new, and your old study habits are useless. You are told to IRAC and outline, yet it’s unclear what you must IRAC or outline. You read cases; memorize each annoying fact for the fear that you will be called in class. They use Socratic Method so you don't know when you will be called on. Truth be told it will likely happen on that case you didn't read, or you read and didn't understand, or the day you forget your notes at home or didn't read the footnotes. Murphy's Law applies all the time.

So you take your first round of exams do the best you can and wait. You have to wait over a month to get your grades; spring semester has already started by then. There is no point on complaining about grades or stressing because it’s a new semester and all you can do it work hard, study differently, or if you did well continue doing the same. Yeah trust me we don't really like those smarty pants. We already know they will grade on to law review, steal all the best job interviews, and yes they are likely the class gunner.

Second year you think you have it all figured out, after all you just spent the last year being a first year right? Well the problem is you may have finally figured out a schedule that works well but you forgot to add on to the mix part time job, law review, club activities, interviews, mixer events with local attorneys etc. You may now know not to read every single case, or gotten faster at skimming cases and taking notes only on what's important, but you still don't get enough sleep. You continue to compete with your classmates over grades, letters of recommendation, informal interviews, real interviews, summer job offers and scholarships. So maybe you do work yourself to death.

I am currently in my second semester of my second year and all I can think about is next year, where I don't think we will be bored to death but will continue to be worked to death. Since we will have to be taking the MPRE(multi-state professional responsibility exam), preparing for the Bar, gathering information for our Bar application and yes trying to land our first job after law school.